


Revisiting Tension

by searider_Falcon



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, kind of a hunters deleted scene fic, sort of AU i guess, who doesn't like UST?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22269772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searider_Falcon/pseuds/searider_Falcon
Summary: Tension, tension, and more tension - what to do? I'm trying something different with the dialogue - just deal with it. :) This is an AU kind of fic, but not dramatically so. There are "between the scenes" moments that I thought would be nice to capture. If you haven't seen the "Hunters" deleted/extra/promo scene, then you're missing out, but won't be lost in this story. Those that have seen it, will enjoy (I hope). This fic is choppy but, it's short and fluffy.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	Revisiting Tension

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted in a while but due to some friendly comments on here my confidence went up. In all honesty, I've taken a hiatus on Star Trek because I'm so emotionally worried that Seven will be with Chakotay in the new Picard show that I'm having nervous attacks of fictional character love, and my undying love for J/C. A little crazy, I know. Plus I'm worried I won't like Picard after this...and he's...just...such a stable presence (even when he's not) Haha. Anyway. Here's this story - enjoy....more to come (not tied to this one, but another, longer fic, if I can get it down).

She’s attracted to him and she doesn’t know why. It was more than just a physical reaction from his appearance, which there certainly was from the start. His strong clenched jaw, and deep dark angry eyes are what drew her in initially. She accepted that but Kathryn Janeway never based her affections on looks alone. No, this attraction was more than that. It was quick and firm and she barely knows him. Chakotay has been on her ship for thirteen days and it’s clear he’s none too thrilled to be there. Even if it was his only option. His anger at the situation was palpable but he’s respectful which has endeared him more to her. He could have been hostile or downright mutinous in those first three days, but he yielded to her authority. That thought made her cheeks flush. As she sat in her ready room, Kathryn examined his behavior of the past several days. 

He was constantly checking on his crew. Sometimes putting out fires when a few heads butted between Maquis and Starfleet. That was something that needed to be addressed, so she called him for a meeting. The Maquis captain avoided her for the most part, even though she caught him watching her, observing her, evaluating her for his own reasons. It didn’t bother her. She surmised that her suggestion that they integrate the crews instead of her taking all of the Maquis into custody surprised him and threw him off in a way that seemed to intrigue him. Kathryn liked that thought. She wanted to be intriguing to him and that thought sent a thrill through her. Even if she still promised herself to Mark Johnson, her financé back on Earth and had every hope of returning to him, but there was something about this Maquis captain that pulled at her. 

Kathryn sipped her coffee, as she studied his intelligence file again. It was information that she received before she left Deep Space Nine. It wasn’t very large but thanks to Tuvok, she knew his name, and the names of his entire crew early on. However details about Chakotay’s life were sparse. He didn’t share a lot with Tuvok or with anyone except maybe B’Elanna Torres, the part Klingon engineering genius. With what Kathryn was able to gather on the crew of the Val Jean, especially her captain, she read over and over. Chakotay. An interesting name and a complicated man. His file was that of a wanderer. A teenager born on a world which didn’t desire the technological comforts of 24th century life. He was restless and when the opportunity arose, Chakotay jumped on it and left. He applied to Starfleet, something she imagined herself doing when she was a teenager too. She thought back on the appeal of Starfleet and what it meant for herself. It meant following in her father’s footsteps, it meant exploration, it meant a life of scientific discovery. For Chakotay, she could only imagine. Was it purely a means to an end? An escape from his home? Was it rebellion from the tribal life he grew up in? It fascinated her. With his strong interest in anthropology Chakotay was assigned to different ships, gaining experience, learning, exploring...Kathryn pictured just how excited a younger version of the man she met on her bridge days ago would have been during those early missions. After all, she was just as excited as a green new ensign who loved to get her hands dirty and explore those awe inspiring sites of the cosmos. They must be similar in that respect. 

Then Chakotay ended up back at the Academy, no longer exploring but mentoring and teaching. An interesting path for a rebel. Was he happy? And Kathryn found herself concerned that he wasn’t. A week of knowing this man in person, of studying his intelligence file for weeks before her mission, and now she was worried about his happiness? She contemplated how strange it was that their current situation changed everything. It began to change her thoughts about Chakotay. 

His intelligence file had a section on Chakotay’s involvement with the Maquis. Did leaving space travel and exploration make his decision to leave Starfleet all that more easy? When the Cardassians attacked his home, killing his father, Chakotay demanded action be taken from Starfleet - that they do something to defend those colonies, his home. When Starfleet rejected his proposal, Chakotay resigned. Kathryn noted a couple memorandums attached to his personnel file. Letters from former commanding officers, colleagues, some that must have been friends, expressing surprise, even dismay at Chakotay’s resignation. He ignored them all and joined the Maquis. Starfleet classified them as terrorists, thus labeling Chakotay as such. As a Starfleet captain, Kathryn should have accepted that but she knew the brutality of the Cardassians. If her home was attacked and Starfleet did nothing in retaliation or aid, she’d be angry too and she wasn’t one to sit around in despair. She’d fight back eventually. She never could stand bullies. Kathryn sympathized with Chakotay. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to bring him into the fold and convince him to put on a Starfleet uniform one more time. Starfleet might view him as terrorist, but Kathryn certainly didn’t. Not now. 

When Chakotay entered her ready room, he was ready for a fight. Kathryn knew this would be a tense conversation and it was. 

_ We need to integrate the crews. I’ll be honest, I need your people to run this ship.  _

_ Will we be prisoners? _

_ No. _

He didn’t believe her, not at first, but after they butted heads a few times on crew assignments and they found a balance and Chakotay softened. She noticed. It was almost visible. He stopped holding himself so rigidly, as if ready for the attack. His shoulders relaxed and she even caught the tiniest of smiles flash across her lips and a few of her suggestions. He was still protective of his crew, he was a captain after all, even if he wasn’t a Starfleet captain. Kathryn understood that protectiveness and felt it herself for the crew of Voyager. A crew that now encompassed the Maquis members. 

_ Our crew. _

Her words echoed in her head. She liked the idea of something being theirs. Our crew. His eyes watched her as she said it. She felt them, was acutely aware of his gaze, as if it were a physical touch. She smiled at him as they walked away from the top of the warp core where she observed on his Maquis crew and especially B’Elanna in her new role as Voyager’s chief engineer. Chakotay seemed more at ease. She was beginning to trust him and his suggestions. It was easier to pass off her attraction to her new first officer as just the experience of meeting a new person. 

Until he asked about relationships. After catching two crew members kissing in a turbolift, Chakotay brought up the question of relationships. Kathryn stated the Starfleet philosophy but when Chakotay seriously asked about what she would do, she paused. She felt exposed. Her attraction to him suddenly on the surface where he could see. She looked him up and down and studied his face. His eyes travelled over her as well. 

_ As Captain I don’t have that luxury.  _

She said quickly to brush off his comment.

_ Besides, I intend to make it home before Mark gives me up for dead. _

Disappointment flashed over his face but Chakotay hid it well. He accepted her answer and her smile as if she was thinking of Mark. For a brief moment, Kathryn felt it wasn’t for Mark. It was just a facsimile. Her smile a mask for her attraction to Chakotay that did not fade. She was off the hook for now, but the seriousness in the way he asked the question made her wonder. Did Chakotay share an attraction as well? Kathryn knew she was beautiful. She had come into her own beauty after her adolescence. She knew what accentuated her beauty and how to use it to her advantage but she didn’t do that with Chakotay. She needed to establish trust, not a one sided relationship. Then his attraction was genuine? Kathryn found that thought exciting as well as a little nerve racking. 

So her attraction stayed and so did his. She felt it in his gaze. It only intensified as they grew closer. And closer they grew indeed. Chakotay was her only confidant besides Tuvok and despite her love for the old Vulcan, Kathryn sometimes craved the emotional connection of a fellow human. Chakotay made her feel at ease, made her laugh, and argued with her when she was wrong. It was refreshing compared to the cold hard logic of a Vulcan. While the logic helped her think clearly sometimes, Chakotay’s arguments reminded her of the human element. Something, she felt, sometimes Starfleet captain forget about. They were still human (most of them anyway). 

For a man Starfleet classified as a terrorist, Chakotay was a more quiet, spiritual man than Kathryn realized. He opened up to her and shared a part of himself so deeply personal that Kathryn was truly surprised he trusted her enough to do so. When Chakotay opened his medicine bundle and displayed the important artifacts kept within, Kathryn realized how very different she and Chakotay were. She was curious to learn more. When he took her hand and gently placed it on the a-koon-na, there was a soft intimacy to the gesture. Kathryn watched Chakotay’s movement as he guided her hand. His fingers were gentle, as if he was afraid she was fragile or that the touch was forbidden somehow. At the beginning of their journey, she might have thought it was too forward of him but now after getting to know him, Kathryn didn’t mind. She was intrigued by the prospect of an animal guide. It was something Chakotay turned to for guidance and when he offered to introduce her to her own, she was excited. Her excitement was short lived when B’Elanna interrupted them in her ready room. Kathryn felt a wave a disappointment wash over her. She was annoyed that this moment was cut short. Chakotay seemed undeterred. He folded up his medicine bundle looking calm as if this was an everyday occurance. Kathryn however was left with questions. With a quick glance to Chakotay, he seemed pleased that she had been so willing to learn about his culture. Of course she had, it...he was fascinating. 

As weeks turned into months, Kathryn hadn’t realized how much she relied on Chakotay’s support. It was support he quietly gave, shown in actions more so than words. When Voyager encountered a group of humans living on a planet so far away from the Alpha quadrant and Earth, Kathryn was convinced that some of the crew would decide to disembark and stay on the planet - leaving Voyager. Leaving her. That’s what she feared. That she angered and disappointed her crew and destroyed her first command, so badly that the crew wanted to jump ship and remain in the Delta quadrant with a group of humans who weren’t their families. She told the crew they could make that very choice and those that did should meet in the cargo bay. She walked with Chakotay and tried to show a sense of calm. Kathryn hoped her voice didn’t betray her but when Chakotay mentioned crew members who he thought might stay - for the adventure or for whatever reason - Kathryn couldn’t help but confess her fear. 

_ I don’t want to lose any of them.  _

She and Chakotay stood outside the cargo bay doors and Kathryn’s fear took hold. She didn’t want to go inside. She didn’t want to see the faces of the crew who would choose to abandon ship. Then she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked next to her. Chakotay offered a small smile, his hand squeezed slightly. 

_ You’re not alone.  _

His support strengthened Kathryn in a way she didn’t think was possible. Not after being separated from Mark not long ago, but it was there, Chakotay was by her side. Mark wasn’t and Kathryn found that she didn’t regret it or pine for Mark’s supportive reasoning. Chakotay’s strong silent gesture was enough. She straightened her shoulders and entered the cargo bay. 

It was empty. 

She almost burst into tears. Almost. Instead she looked back at Chakotay, who offered her a smile that looked just as relieved as she felt. In that moment she realized he was just as invested as she was. Just as concerned about the crew and their ship. They were in this together. His words to her earlier rang true, she was not alone. With that her simple attraction grew to affection. She was starting to see why she was attracted to him in the first place and after Mark’s face flashed in her mind’s eye, she wished desperately for that attraction to stop. 

* * *

Then the most shocking turn of events happened to her. While exploring an alien planet, both she and Chakotay contracted a virus from one of the insects that lived on the surface. Their chance encounter left them with no cure and unable to leave the planet. Kathryn felt numb as the Doctor helped her into a stasis chamber. She was physically weakened by the virus, Chakotay had already fallen unconscious and was breathing steadily in his own stasis unit. 

_ The crew… _

_ It’s alright Captain. We’re going to be alright. _

The Doctor’s words were the last thing she heard until she woke up on the planet. Chakotay was climbing out of his stasis unit too. She was relieved to see Chakotay was alright. Kathryn wasn’t sure at first what made her say it when they first arrived but she directed Chakotay to call her by her first name. Maybe a small part of her wanted that domesticity she was so afraid of. In any case, she made up an explanation of not being in a command structure anymore. After all, she was right. Her request surprised Chakotay but he seemed pleased all the same. Even though he told her it would take him a while to get used to the idea, he didn’t seem to have any problem whatsoever calling her by her first name instead of rank. They quickly grew into a familiarity that she enjoyed. It surprised her how much. 

But the familiarity couldn't stop her feelings of crushing disappointment and regret that she wouldn’t be joining her crew on the remainder of their journey. As they set up the shelter, Chakotay tried to be positive and Kathryn tried to hide her tears of frustration, anger, sadness, she wasn’t even sure what other emotions were mixed in. She lost her crew, her ship, the possibility of being home. Sometimes that realization brought on tears she had fought against. 

_ At least we’re here together. _

She didn’t want to be here at all. It was a small comfort that she wasn’t alone. She’d grant Chakotay that but Kathryn Janeway was meant to be a starship captain. She was meant to be in the Alpha quadrant. She was meant to marry Mark and yet the universe strandred her on an alien planet with no chance of rescue with a man she was just starting to get to know. A man who was so unlike Mark in many ways. A rebel, a warrior, angry and proud, yet calming and supportive all the same. A contradiction by nature but it worked for him and it was working for her. In a way that shook her to her core. 

Chakotay seemed to think his comment had offended her and he stayed relatively silent for the rest of the time they built the shelter. Speaking only when needing a tool or asking for a hand holding up a side of the shelter wall. Their fingers would brush occasionally and they would share a glance. He wasn’t Mark but he was someone and she was about to spend a very long time with him. Kathryn would feel that spark of attraction fly between them every time their gaze met over the shelter wall or when they finally were able to bring equipment inside. They bumped into each other here and there as they started to furnish the shelter. The first few nights were difficult for her and she found herself silently crying. Again, she did her best to hide her tears from Chakotay but they had gotten to know each other too well. She knew he knew. His respectful distance was appreciated but lonely. Until one night Kathryn was gazing up at the stars from the shelter door. Chakotay came up behind her and gently put his hand to her shoulder. 

_ Feeling better? _

_ A little. I’ve decided I’m going to search for a cure. I may not be as resourceful as the Doctor but I have to try.  _

_ Sounds like a plan. How can I help? _

_ Can you help program the replicator to make insect traps? _

That small moment of support. That quick human interaction was enough to snap Kathryn out of her listlessness. She was determined and Chakotay was supportive. That was enough for now. But Chakotay’s supportiveness didn’t last forever. He was soon making changes to the shelter; nesting. She initially realized what he was doing, when he moved tricorders up to a higher shelf in order to make room for an art creation of his, or when he crafted wood working tools in the replicator. At first, Kathryn found it cute. It was all very domestic and unlike a fierce warrior at all but she caught herself. Chakotay wasn’t the man she was supposed to share this kind of domesticity with. Despite her appreciation for the little things Chakotay did to make life easier for the two of them, Kathryn began to feel uncomfortable. Her attraction to him grew with each gesture of kindness, with each cup coffee waiting for her in the morning, and the small smiles he would give her when she returned to the shelter after setting her traps. It scared her at how easy it was to let her affection grow. She attempted to squash it but Kathryn couldn’t help growing closer to him. With every meal they shared, each new dish he cooked for her and conversations about her research, her affection grew. She couldn’t stop it. Neither could Chakotay. His caring seemed to only intensify. Kathryn could have claimed it was because she was the only other human on the planet but she wasn’t that naive. Their attraction had been there from the start and their isolation only fuelled it. 

One night, he insisted she remain inside the shelter for the next few hours. Kathryn’s curiosity was piqued when she heard their shuttle’s engines rev and power up. She almost went outside to look but at Chakotay’s earnestness at keeping his actions a surprise, she kept her promise. There was the unmistakable sound of a transporter. What on Earth could he be doing? Her body tingling with anticipation. His excitement was infectious and Kathryn was eager to see what caused it. She heard the shuttle power down and a few moments later, Chakotay entered the shelter. He told her to close her eyes. 

_ Okay. _

Her suspicions grew. Chakotay gently took her hands and led her outside. 

_ Keep your eyes closed. _

_ Where are we going?  _

_ Not far.  _

_ Okay, open your eyes.  _

Kathryn opened them and gasped. Chakotay made her a bathtub. He spent his own time, hours, no days of it, working on something for her. Simply because she mentioned that a hot bath was her favorite way to relax. It was so touching. She placed a hand on his chest, unable to verbally express her thanks. She was feeling so stressed lately that she was thinking how desperately she wanted a bath and had seriously considered the nearby river for a swim, but this, this was something special. Kathryn moved to run her hand along the finished wood. 

_ Does this mean you like it? _

Kathryn turned to him and smiled. A true, beaming smile. 

_ It’s wonderful.  _

Chakotay looked as if he’d never been happier in his life. 

Kathryn was used to thunderstorms. She wasn’t afraid of them, not really. She admired their awesome power and followed that a law on Earth that most humans knew by instinct; respect nature, because it has no respect for you. When she was young, she walked home in the middle of a thunderstorm, because she lost a tennis match. At the time Kathryn felt the rumbling thunder and flashes of lightning were an excellent metaphor for her mood. She had enjoyed storms since but nothing on Earth prepared her for the intensity of the plasma storms on New Earth, their lonely planet that she and Chakotay dubbed with that unimaginative moniker. The storms she experienced now shook the entire planet. Kathryn was used to Voyager and other starships quaking as they traversed spatial anomalies but this was something entirely different. She was in the forest alone, having left Chakotay to his woodworking hours ago, when the storm hit. Each boom and the following quake of the ground beneath her sent jolts of fear like she never experienced before through her. A terrifying thought ran through her mind. What if the planet’s crust became unstable. Their little planet would fall apart around them and all they would have is the shuttle and without a cure to the insect bite, Kathryn didn’t know how long they’d last. Her distraction made her lose her footing. She dropped her insect traps. 

_ Kathryn! _

She heard Chakotay’s voice between the bought of thunder and through the overpowering wind. Her relief that he was there making his way through the forest to find her pushed away her fear. 

_ I couldn’t keep my balance and carry the case. _

_ This storm really packs a wallop.  _

They made it back to the shelter. It was too dangerous to observe it. Their little refuge shook and trembled under the force of the storm. They hid under the table. Chakotay held her to him, trying to comfort her and keep her under the table, as Kathryn witnessed the destruction of her research. Her last hope to leave the planet, slowing being destroyed by the planet itself. She fell asleep in the Chakotay’s arms as they waited out the storm. She wasn’t sure if he slept but she was too exhausted to remain awake. 

The next morning, they left the shelter to survey the damage. Kathryn was grateful the structure of their house was fairly sound and Chakotay’s handiwork held up through the storm. She found one of her insect traps, its structure was crushed by something that hit it or maybe as it hit the ground itself. The insect that was trapped inside had escaped. She announced her research was ruined. 

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ That’s one way of letting go.  _

He seemed truly saddened all her hard work was destroyed. As disappointed as she was, it was comforting to know she wasn’t the only one upset. Perhaps Chakotay was just as eager to get back to Voyager too. Kathryn welcomed the manual labor that followed that morning. It was a productive way to blow of the frustration and disappointment. Not to mention she snuck glances at Chakotay as he lifted heavy fallen tree limbs and debris that surrounded the shelter. Starfleet uniforms did not allow a view she could truly appreciate. Chakotay’s looser clothing did. He was far more fit then he let on. He caught her looking and smiled as he brushed his dirty hands off on his pants. Kathryn refocused on her task of collecting branches and storing them in a crate incase they needed firewood. 

That night, her neck and shoulders ached and Chakotay willingly offered a neck rub. She welcomed the idea, her muscles needed some kind of release. She wasn’t used to the manual labor as much as she enjoyed the physical exercise. Chakotay’s hands were calloused but gentle as always. He rubbed away her knots and Kathryn sighed as she felt herself relax. It felt so good. Then, the intimacy of the moment caught her. She froze and Chakotay leaned in as if so kiss the top of her head but noticing her stillness, he stopped. They shouldn’t be doing this. She was still engaged to Mark. It was wrong. 

Or was it? She could not fight the voice in her head that said, she wanted the contact. She realized in that moment that she craved it. Whether it was because she missed the physical contact in general or her attraction to Chakotay was far stronger than she realized, it didn’t matter. She wasn’t ready for another step with him. Kathryn was still convinced she would fulfill her promise to Mark. And yet, the way Chakotay gently brushed her hair over her shoulder and dug his fingers right into the knots in exactly the right spots...it made her feel things she was so not ready for. Her body was, so Kathryn had put a stop to it. 

Chakotay did not look disappointed that she stopped. He accepted her reasoning without question and that respect he had for her was even more hard hitting than the feel of his hands on her. Kathryn tried to sleep, tossing and turning in bed while Chakotay stayed up. She watched his blurry form through the partition that separated their sleeping space from a living space. She saw him look over to their sleeping area. She couldn’t see his expression but the tension in the air of the shelter was enough to tell her his attraction was growing just as fast as hers was. 

The fascinating Maquis captain, who was much more than she realized, was too intriguing of a temptation. She chastised herself for letting her affection grow too quickly but immediately regretted it. She enjoyed her easy friendship with Chakotay. She was relieved and happy that it was almost seamless. It made life on Voyager easier, but they weren’t on Voyager now. Being angry at herself for establishing feelings, albeit ones she was trying to fight, wasn’t healthy. But, she had to get a grip on the situation or she could find herself falling out of love with Mark and easily in love with Chakotay. 

Love? Was that was this was? 

No, she needed to get a handle on things and quickly. Kathryn got out of her bed and reentered the living space. Chaktoay had been working on another creative endeavor and she felt a little proud that he was so free to express himself in that way. When their eyes met she went into captain mode. 

_ We need to establish some parameters about us.  _

_ I’m not sure I can ...establish parameters. _

He looked at her with understanding and affection that at first Kathryn was going to tell him off. That he shouldn’t look at her that way. Her thoughts didn’t have the chance to form into words as Chakotay began to tell her an ancient legend. His words captivated her and she watched as he sheepishly expressed how he felt. Kathryn felt a tear fall from her eye before she could stop it. So his affection was stronger now like hers was. At least they were in the same boat. It was reassuring to know that he respected her as a Captain, as someone engaged to someone else, and as a human being. There were boundaries still between them even if neither were them were sure they wanted there to be. 

_ Is that really an ancient legend?  _

_ No...but it made it easier to say.  _

Kathryn offered her hand palm up and facing him. Immediately Chakotay offered her his hand. Their fingers interlocking. His thumb caressed her fingers and it sent butterflies to her stomach. They stared at each other, neither one of them wanting to break the connection and Kathryn found something else hidden way in his eyes. Desire. One that he was fighting, but not too hard. The small upward curve of his lips sent another jolt through her. While their conversation did establish the boundaries she thought she wanted, it did nothing to quash the tension between them. So much for that. 

* * *

When they were rescued by their beloved crew Kathryn was convinced that she and Chakotay would fall back into routine and roles they established early on. However, their friendship got in the way. As they sat on biobeds in sickbay waiting for the Doctor to finish his diagnosis of their health, they snuck glances at each other. There was sadness rolling off Chakotay in waves. Whether it was the return to the ship or to their previous command structure she wasn’t sure. When the Doctor cleared them, Kathryn eagerly jumped down from the biobed. Chakotay followed her. They headed to the turbolift in silence until Kathryn couldn’t take it anymore. 

_ You enjoyed our time on the planet didn’t you?  _

_ I liked the simplicity of life down there.  _

The turbolift arrived and they stepped through. 

_ I’ll miss our time together.  _

Kathyrn was caught off guard by his remark but found she was pleased all the same and a little defensive. 

_ Just because I’m back to being your Captain doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together. _

Chakotay gave her a look that said there was more between them than just Captain and Commander. She knew it. She tried to ignore it. 

_ Why don’t we have dinner once a week. We can catch up on work and just talk.  _

_ I’d like that.  _

She jumped at the chance. Despite her misgivings, she was still intrigued to get to know him. They arrived on the bridge and it was business as usual, only friendlier. 

Why did some disagreements with people sting so bad while others were easy to brush off? She and Chakotay had another command disagreement. Luckily, he reserved his argument for when the rest of the senior staff left the briefing. However that didn’t stop their conversation from getting heated. One evening, Chakotay had disagreed with one of her decisions. It wasn’t even something that was a serious situation but she made it one. Why? Her anger trying to hide the betrayal she felt at his constant undermining her choices. They stood on opposite sides of the conference table, each with set jaws and furrowed brows. 

_ Why don’t you trust me?  _

The question was so sincere and his voice so hurt, Kathryn forgot she was angry. 

_ I do trust you.  _

_ Then why don’t you hear me out?  _

_ Because I’m the Captain.  _

_ That’s not the issue. You know I respect your position. Why don’t you at least listen to what I have to say. _

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hear his ideas. In reality, part of her feared that if Chakotay felt he could sway her decision making, he may convince her to do something she wasn’t ready to do. Something more personal. He was a captain himself, technically speaking, having his own Maquis ship. But her fears were unfounded and completely ridiculous. Not once in the years they serve together, had Chakotay tried to force her hand. Tried to ask for more, maybe out of his own fear, or maybe because he knew hers. 

Chakotay took her silence as acceptance to hear out his plan. She listened. Evaluated. Saw the merit in some of the ideas and formulated a compromise. He didn’t look entirely pleased but that could have been from the strain of their argument. He seemed to deflate from weariness. 

_ Are we still on for dinner tonight? _

His voice was small when he asked and he wasn’t looking at her. Perhaps he thought she would cancel their weekly dinners based on this argument? The tension in the room was electric. Which was probably why their arguments seemed so heated lately. Would dinner even be a good idea?  He looked up at her, waiting for her response. When their eyes met, Kathryn knew she couldn’t say no.  She nodded and he nodded in return and left the conference room. 

If Kathryn thought their time apart would let them cool off and the tension ease, she was wrong. When he arrived at dinner, Chakotay was tight lipped and brooding. Kathryn replicated a meal her mother used to make whenever she was in a bad mood. She fiddled with the table place settings as he poured the wine. They hands brushed on his wine glass. Her eyes immediately snapped up to look at his. They were dark and guarded but the intensity of his glance was unmistakable. The tension between them wasn’t from their earlier argument, not now. This was a different kind of tension. One she hadn’t experienced since her first time meeting him face to face. It was that of physical attraction. It was raw and heartstopping. Her eyes travelled to his lips for a split second she wondered...oh she wondered...but Chakotay poured the wine without a word and they sat and ate their meal. 

Luckily they were able to keep the conversation light, Kathryn diving deep into the origins of their night’s meal. They shared a few smiles and Kathryn felt she could breathe easy. Or so she thought. When she walked him to the door of her quarters. He turned to say goodnight, as he always did but this time, his words failed him. The air sparked between them and before she knew what was happening, he was leaning in toward her. To her surprise, she was leaning in too and it was she who made first contact. Their lips meet in a powerfully firm yet brief kiss. Kathryn pulled away first. 

_ We shouldn’t have. _

_ I think we both know we wanted to.  _

_ But… _

_ At least it broke the tension. It was getting unbearable.  _

He offered her a smile and she couldn’t help the smile back. 

_ We can’t do that again.  _

_ Okay.  _

He didn’t believe it and neither did she. 

_ Goodnight, Kathryn.  _

He left. As the doors shut behind him, Kathryn put a hand to her forehead. What had she gotten herself into? 

* * *

A long time passed since that kiss. The kiss that had since haunted Kathryn’s dreams. Neither one of them mentioned it and she couldn’t decide if that was good or made things worse. It was, at the very least, an acknowledgement. The attraction was there. There was no denying it now. Kathryn would be kidding herself if she said it wasn’t there. She tried to tell her inner voice it was nothing. However, with every glance from Chakotay, the more she realized, it was more than nothing. But they were both experts at ignoring what was right in front of them. Instead of being confused about her own attraction, Kathryn took to citing Starfleet command protocols and everything she learned in Command School, in her head. Relationships with subordinates were wrong. They were messy, they were complicated. And she couldn’t get the kiss off her mind. 

She and Chakotay went about their business as usual all the while Kathryn snuck glances even when it would seem completely unnecessary to look at him. More than once, their eyes met over the center console between their command chairs. In that small second, they both acknowledged the secret they shared. The forbidden kiss that was so good and could not happen again. 

Even if she wanted it to. 

When the crew celebrated Prixin, the Talaxian holiday for family. She gave the traditional toast. At the end, she caught Chakotay’s eye. He smiled at her from across the room. It was a smile that didn’t show his dimples, which was lucky. She had a weakness for that. No, this smile was one of pride and strong affection. It made her feel things that she didn’t expect to feel. She had a hard time avoiding him at the party. While he stayed across the room, their eyes would meet. That spark would fly and her face would blush. She’d looked away quickly, attempting to hide this affection from the crew. 

Maybe because it was so wrong was why she felt so excited by the thought of...something with him. 

As the party was winding down, she made her escape, needing to get back to her quarters to sort out her thoughts. 

_ Leaving early? I’ll go with you.  _

Chakotay caught her at the turbolift. His smile made it so she couldn’t say no. She didn’t want to anyway. 

_ Good speech.  _

_ Long speech. _

He chuckled and shrugged, as if to say, it’s Talaxian, what can you do?

_ Harry mentioned that he saw something that might be a space station - out in the middle of nowhere, on long range sensors. Might be worth checking out.  _

_ Thinking about shore leave? _

_ Maybe, if I can convince the Captain to take some down time. _

_ Oh no. There’s too much to do here. _

_ Perhaps but there will always be things to do. The least you could do is take a few hours, enjoy some company, and not talk about work.  _

The turbolift stopped and Chakotay got out. 

_ This isn’t our deck.  _

She said, annoyed that he was leaving so soon.

_ I’m headed to my office. Shore leave...Just something to think about... _

The doors closed on his smile and Kathryn was whisked off to deck three, thinking about the possibility of shore leave. Without the restraints of command, she could let her hair down…She was actually considering it and it didn’t completely turn her off. In fact, she was anticipating it with a sense of pleasure. 

What Harry thought was space station turned out to be a communication array. Kathryn’s disappointment was strong. She was looking forward to prospective shore leave with her first officer, as Chakotay implied. However, her disappointment didn’t last long. It was revealed that the communications array could be used to send and receive messages all the way back to Earth. With this news, Kathryn looked to Chakotay with excitement and joy. His look was that of something Kathryn couldn’t identify at first. It wasn’t until later as the efforts to make contact with Starfleet were underway that she realized that he was dejected. Why? Wouldn’t he want to hear messages from home. She surely did. Maybe she would hear from her sister or mother, or Mark. Then it dawned on her. The Cardassians attacked his planet, what if Chakotay didn’t have anyone back home to get a message from. Kathryn felt saddened by that thought. He seemed so happy on Voyager, she almost forgot that the man came from a life of violence and sadness. She wondered if she should reach out to him and offer him support. 

_ Not soon after she thought it, Chakotay tracked her down outside the mess hall and pulled her aside.  _

_ How is your cousin in Ohio? _

_ I just made that up. I do have a cousin but that’s not who my letter was from.  _

_ Then who? _

She saw his face. He looked exhausted, saddened, and angry. 

_ Did something happen?  _

Chakotay looked to the large windows that extended the corridor. 

_ All the Maquis are gone. Dead or imprisoned. There was a war between the Federation and group of aliens called the Dominion.  _

_ Starfleet sent a recap. Apparently the war took its toll.  _

_ This Dominion…they helped the Cardassians wipe out every Maquis stronghold we had. Only a few escape and are now in prison. Everyone I’ve fought with, cared for, They’re all gone and now I have to tell all the Maquis here.  _

_ Chakotay, I’m so sorry.  _

She placed a hand on his bicep. She wanted to hug him but deemed it inappropriate for where they were. Chakotay reached up and placed a hand on top of hers. He squeezed her fingers. 

_ Would you like me to tell them? _

_ No. I should do it. I was their captain.  _

He looked at her. His eyes sorrowful but grateful for her support. She squeezed his arm. 

_ This part is always the worst but we’ll be here for you. For all of you.  _

_ Thank you, Kathryn.  _

And he meant it. Sincerely. With one more squeeze of her hand. Chakotay left to track down each former Maquis crew members to deliver the bad news. Kathryn wished there was more she could do but then message arrived and everything else was driven out of her mind. 

There was a letter for her. From Mark. 

Her heart leapt and froze at the same time. Conflict rose up inside her once again. She delighted and dreaded what this letter meant. She tried to avoid reading it but couldn’t help herself. She made her way to her ready room, sat on her couch and read. 

Her dog Molly had her puppies and all found good homes. Kathryn smiled at that. She missed that dog everyday. 

Then her smile faded. The words,  _ Kathryn, I’m so sorry _ ...she almost wanted to stop reading. She knew what the following explanation would be and she was right. Mark had met someone and moved on. He called off their engagement and married this other women. His coworker. She was sad of course and she let herself feel it but she didn’t cry. She thought she would but no tears fell. The blow was hard but she seemed to bounce back fairly quickly. She had intended on spending the rest of her life with Mark. To have children with him, to have a very different life but that wasn’t what happened. 

She set her letter aside and looked out her viewport. She lost her train of thought until Chakotay entered her ready room. 

She wanted to ask how it went telling all the former Maquis the horrible news he received but he looked exhausted and he tried to keep the subject focused on her. He knew she received a letter and she thought he suspected it would be from Mark. 

She explained the contents of her letter. 

_ And the way I see it...there’s still plenty of time.  _

_ Plenty of time.  _

She agreed and they looked at each other. She wanted to say more. She wanted to really talk about that spark that only seemed to grow with the news from Mark but Neelix interrupted the moment. His voice entering the ready room and cutting that tension between them with his message. Kathryn agreed to attend the part Neelix planned and she and Chakotay got up to leave. 

She stopped. 

_ What do I do, Chakotay, indulge my feelings or hold fast to protocol? _

_ You have plenty of time to think about it.  _

She nodded and moved to walk past him. He gently grabbed her arm and pulled her back away from the door. She turned to face him and he brought her flush against his body, one arm wrapped around her waist. 

She waited for another moment like this. She craved it for so long. Before he could do anything further, she leaned into him and kissed him, her hands holding his head to her. Chakotay’s arm tightened around her waist. When she pulled away. Chakotay looked down at her. 

_ What if I want you to indulge your feelings? _

Kathryn gave him a crooked smile. 

_ You’ll have to give me some time. After all, you said I have plenty.  _

The spark of attraction burned between them and turned predatory. She just gave him permission to pursue her. 

We’ll be late for the party. 

She extricated herself from Chakotay’s arms and left her ready room. Chakotay followed a few seconds after, a stunned expression on his face. In the turbolift she looked at him and he looked at her and they shared a smile that meant more days like this were to come. And there was no end in sight for breaking the tension. 

  
  



End file.
